"My whole life I place in Your hands
God of Mercy, humbled I bow down
in Your presence, at Your throne"

It was a long and introspective Sunday yesterday. Spending time with extended family (or really just my family in general) gets me feeling some type of way. I feel like the odd one out within my family.. and I don’t think anyone really knows who I am. So strange – being amongst the people I’ve spent my entire life with, and feeling like they don’t know the real me. I could probably go on forever about my relationship with the individual people in my family, but the common thread would be that there are issues and it is.. incredibly difficult for me to love on them.

I fear that I’ll end up anything like my parents. So yesterday I was overwhelmed because I felt like my eyes were suddenly opened to all of these characteristics I have that I probably got from my parents. Characteristics I can’t stand to see in them, but those same traits I reflect onto my friends. I couldn’t sleep because I was so sad.

This change of heart and process of sanctification is something I thought I’ve been experiencing already, and maybe I have been. However, I’m also realizing how stubborn and prideful I have been in this process. I’ve been selfishly asking God for a change of heart for the people that I care about and for the things that benefit me, rather than praying for a servant heart. I am no where near the kind of person I want to be.. but I need to be reminded of what the ultimate goal of being like Christ is.. to serve His kingdom, not myself.

God, I continue to forsake you.. and you continue to call me back to you. Thank you for being a God of mercy, a God of grace, and a God of truth. Truly nothing in this world compares to the grace you show me every moment of every day. Would you continue to show me that grace through these moments of hard truths and humbling realizations of just how broken and depraved I am. Would you mold me and my heart so that I can be a faithful follower of Christ as I live this life full of temptations and selfish motives. Please be with me at home, with my family.. I love you and praise you, forevermore. Amen.