Before I hit my twenties, I was blindly under the impression that my early to mid-twenties was bound to be the time of my life. I figured this was when I would find all the ways to enjoy the income of a full-time job, to bask in the independence of being moved out and away from my parents, and to be sure of the person I loved so much that we planned every step of our future together. Instead, I feel that for the last six years, I was maybe rather occupied by the unanticipated stress and anxiety that came with work, by the bills that needed to be paid, by the realistic struggles and heartbreak of dating, by the responsibility and accountability it takes to maintain important friendships, and so on… This is not to say that I didn’t find joy or that I don’t feel thankful for the last six years because I am well aware that I absolutely did. I’m incredibly thankful.. for all of the highs and lows that came through these years.. and even more so for the people that have stuck right by my side through them all.

In this next year of life, I pray that I would learn and develop

• a much greater trust in God and His plans and timing
• more consistent and meaningful personal worship and prayer habits
• in my emotional maturity; recognizing, addressing, and coping well
• a greater love for self
• an ability to love people generously and wholeheartedly
• some direction in regards to career

My first official year of teaching, done! I wanted to take some time to reflect on a year that was filled with lots of obstacles but also many self-realizations and growth. Those ten months felt so long… some days were a breeze when I was able to work from the comfort of my own home, but even that had its downfalls. Other days, I was overwhelmed by uncertainty and stress. As it’s almost time to start the next year, I’m already starting to forget a lot of the details.. but one thing I remember so clearly was the ever-so quickly approaching burnout. From September to January, I was basically working 12-hour days plus the time I would reserve on weekends to try and create lesson plans that might somehow get my students to respond (literally the bare minimum!!!). The dread I felt before every single class period anticipating the silent virtual room while staring at myself and talking to myself was exhausting.

When we went back into the building, we were being notified of big changes on a week-by-week basis which was understandable given the unprecedented situation, but that did not minimize the stress that it caused. It was incredibly strange feeling like I was meeting my students for the first time when they’ve known me for months. Figuring out how to teach students online and in-person at the same time was one of the most challenging tasks I’ve ever attempted… I felt so frustrated that we were being asked to do that without being given any examples of effective methods. Since we had no choice but to start anew with no one having any experience in teaching through a pandemic, I did learn to be bold in taking risks – this year was filled with trials and errors and I learned a lot from them.

All of this to say that many hours towards the end of the year were spent job searching and Googling “career paths for former teachers.” I’ve always had a feeling I might not want to spend the rest of my life in the classroom, but I thought I would at least be able to give it five years or so. I’m currently experiencing lots of doubt and regrets, but my game plan is to be patient and hopeful. I want to be patient knowing that God placed me where I am and in His perfect timing, so to work at my current position faithfully. And I want to be hopeful in knowing that I can work elsewhere if and when the time comes. I’m feeling pretty anxious looking into this next year, but with a schedule stacked with Honors classes and everyone being fully in-person, it should be a fun and interesting experience so overall I’m looking forward to it!

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms, and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”

Colossians 3:16

God, lately I feel a kind of peace I know I can only find in You. Surely there are worldly factors that come into play… but thank You for opening my eyes in trying to see You in all things. Thank you for each day you give me and the countless opportunities in my everyday life to learn to live for You just a little bit more than I did before. Thank you for giving me the faith to trust in You… and the knowledge that Your love is greater than all things. These days, I find myself at Your feet… desperate to know You more and to fall deeper in love with You. Father, I pray for a continual desire to grow in my relationship with You. Yesterday, You gave me an opportunity to serve some of your people in DC; You provided me with the courage to ask strangers for coats, with an income and donations so that I could purchase care package items, and with a community to support and serve with me. Thank you. God, I pray for a servant heart that would continue to grow for You. I pray that I would never feel content with the brokenness of this world. Would you call me to places and people groups wherever and whoever they may be, so that I would learn to rely fully on You. You know my heart better than I do and God, I know that many times I try to do things for Your glory, but end up with a feeling of accomplishment, accrediting myself instead of You and for that, I pray for forgiveness. You are a God of great wonders… and forever a holy God. In your Son’s name I pray, amen.

I’m currently reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and one of the chapters I read today was titled “profile of the lukewarm.” It was incredibly humbling and served as a calling to evaluate my own heart. How am I living as a reflection of Christ? Am I? How can I believe in a God so great and say that I love Him, yet live like I am in love with the things of this world? There is a clear imbalance.. 😦 I realized I fear being “radical” so instead I settle for being a “good enough” Christian to live in this day and age, and now that has become my norm. Honestly, that’s what I aim for sometimes – just to be “good enough.” What does that even mean?? Obeying Christ well enough so people around me believe I’m actually a Christian? I don’t know… What I know is that I resonated with too many of the descriptions of a lukewarm, half-hearted, partially-committed Christian. Though recognizing this is important, my prayer is that it compels me to change… not by relying on my own will/strength and trying harder, but by letting Him change me because I truly believe He wants me to change.

“When you are truly in love, you go great lengths to be with the one you love.”

Crazy Love by Francis Chan (pg. 100)

This morning, I was able to spend hours of my time with God for the first time in a LONG time.. learning more about Him… dwelling in His amazing grace… repenting of my sinful and undeserving nature… and it was such a blessed time. I didn’t want it to end – I think I could have spent all day with Him. Why don’t I? Why do I always place a limit on my time spent intentionally with Him, if any time spent at all? Why is it so hard for me to want to be in His presence, worshipping Him and all His glory? The desires I have to do other things and be with other people are a clear reflection of my heart and the things I love. I want to love God wholeheartedly. I am aware of what it feels like for me to love something or someone – I invest my time, my emotions, and I pour what I have joyfully into that thing or person, without even thinking twice.

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in joy went and sold all he had and bought the field.”

Matthew 13:44

God… how worthy is Your name! Thank you for being such a merciful God. Without Your mercy, I would be hopeless… Thank you for loving me when I am nothing but “lukewarm” and fail to love you well or even at all sometimes. I am so sorry for claiming that I love you and praising you with my words, but living a life that does not nearly reflect that. As I get to know more about You.. I am in awe of how great and complex You are, and speechless that a God so holy and so mighty chooses to love a sinner like me. I pray… for my longing and desire to know You to increase each and every day. Help me not to be distracted by the things of this world, but for me to follow You full-heartedly, without any hesitation. Help me to see that the kingdom of heaven is much more valuable than anything I have! I know this is not something I can achieve on my own.. so Father, I pray for Your help in loving You more deeply. Fill me with the Spirit to live a life that is filled with love towards others and to myself, but above all, to You. In Your Son’s holy name I pray, amen.

It’s already December of the longest year ever… It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down to journal, but as the year comes to an end, I hope to take some time to reflect on the latter half of the year:

I went through/ am still healing from something in August that I never thought I would have to face. It was a painful and confusing few months full of shame, anger, hurt, and numbness all at once.. I can’t really explain it. I didn’t want to talk to or hang out with anybody, but at the same time I was more aware of and thankful for my community than ever before. In one of our CG meetings, we were prompted to imagine how God was looking at us in that moment. Did we imagine him sitting back and shaking his head in disappointment? Or did we imagine him looking down on us proudly? After almost two months of deliberately not attending service on Sundays, not lifting up a single prayer, and overall keeping my back faced to Him, for some reason I imagined God trying to get my attention… because I knew. Through the conversations I had been having with the people around me and through the way my heart was beginning to soften when I least expected it, I knew God was making Himself known to me in all areas of my life, and calling me back to Him.

This year has been long and chaotic.. full of surprises (both good and bad), but if there is one thing I was reminded of through it all, it’s that this life is not my own. I naturally tend to fall into a cycle of self-sufficiency and quickly forget about the One who gave me this life and everything in it. I forget that anything and everything I have is a gift from God. I started this blog a while ago because I wanted to be reminded to devote all I am to living for Him and I feel like I’m slowly finding my way back… I’m thankful for this life – all 25 years of it. Hindsight is truly 20/20 and though I won’t always know the reason behind every circumstance, I can fully trust God’s grace and faithfulness.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4

Heavenly Father… Thank you for all of the blessings You have poured down in the midst of an abnormally strange year. Thank you for my community (friends and family), job stability, and a warm roof over my head. Thank you for keeping me and my loved ones safe and healthy through a worldwide pandemic. Thank you for being a God who is faithful and so loving. For about three months, I lived my life without You, purely out of defiance and maybe.. rebellion? I could not understand why You felt the need for me to go through what I did and I was angry. So then, I couldn’t bring myself to come before You and need You or even want You. God, I’m sorry for being a child of such little faith. Forgive me for turning my back towards You and for believing I knew what was best for myself. I know that through all of this time, You never left my side. You didn’t “meet” me in my time of need, but instead You waited patiently for me with open arms and spoke to me through those around me. I know that though I was angry because I felt like You didn’t rescue me in that one moment, You rescued my whole life by sending your only Son, Jesus Christ to forgive my sins.. and I thank you. Thank you for how far you’ve brought me in my healing process.. and for how much You have softened my heart to my family through this time as well. I pray for continual and full healing as I lift up this burden to You, knowing that You are a God who is just. I am desperate to know You, to love You, and to serve You. Give me a heart that longs for you deeper and deeper each day, and a faith that is steadfast. I praise You for all that You are… Amen.

It’s been on my mind to write something on here for a few weeks now, maybe I’ve just been tired of thinking and feeling that I’ve been putting it off. Somehow I’ve managed to reluctantly make my way here and start typing so I guess that’s a good thing!

One of my biggest post-break up struggles has been defining my self-worth. Though I’ve always struggled with feeling inadequate, I felt even more desperate for some sort of affirmation from anybody and everybody. My mind is filled with questions like why am I never good enough.. should I have tried harder on my end even though I feel like I tried my best.. should I have just settled and accepted that was the most love I was ever going to get from someone, instead of feeling like I deserved more? Also the classic post-break up sentiment of “what’s the point”: what’s the point of letting someone into my life like that.. inviting them into the most intimate parts of my life.. all for what? ..to then waste a ton of energy trying to be friends after? LOL but that’s besides the point.

It’s one of my most stubborn journeys – the process feels like it’s at a standstill (but I know it’s not haha).. I’m finding my worth in Christ.. I’m learning what it means to accept that I was made in His image and what that might look like in my life. The fact is that it is a process, and kind of an uncomfortable one in which I’m also learning to be patient.

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.”

Psalm 139:13-15

Heavenly Father, I give You so much thanks for drawing me near to You during this time. In this moment and in this season, I would rather be nowhere else.. You’ve made me in Your image, as a minuscule part of this massive world, but with great purpose.. and lately I’ve been reminded that whatever pain and suffering I am feeling right now is yes, a part of Your plan for me, but ultimately it’s all for a purpose greater than myself. God I pray, would you me help me to feel your love deep within me. I know You love Your people to no end.. but would You give me the grace to truly feel and understand the depth of Your abundant love.. and for it to be sufficient for me. For the strength and the healing You have given me thus far.. thank You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

I’ve been (slowly) reading a book titled Untangling Emotions by J. Alasdair Groves and Winston T. Smith that was gifted to me by a church sister back when I was going through a funk. I’m no longer in the funk, but since I’ve had time to read, I finally got to it! The repeating theme throughout the book so far is that our emotions (which are not always controllable), reflect what we value.

“…the deepest whys of your emotions are not the neural pathways they travel. Instead, the deepest whys are the things Scripture is constantly pointing to: the love and worship of your heart and your bearing the image of an emotional God.”

Groves & Smith (pg. 64)

The book has made me think about what emotions I’ve been feeling lately during this quarantine. I honestly can’t complain. It’s week 3 now, and I’ve adjusted quite well… One big thing is that I’ve felt so much peace at home with my parents. Now the big irony there is that the one thing I dreaded the most about being stuck at home, was being stuck under one roof with my parents for who knows how long. I’ve gotten into this habit of trying not to be home when they’re home, or locking myself in my room to avoid whatever conversation needed to be had. I tried so hard to avoid them without giving them any benefit of the doubt, that I didn’t realize I was the other half of the problem. Since we’ve been home, I’ve eaten at least one meal with them (usually two) every single day, and I’ve voluntarily spent more quality time with them in the past two weeks, than I have probably in the last year. The kind of peace I feel in my heart, is not the kind of peace you would expect during a chaotic and uncertain time such as this. This peace made me realize just how much I value my family. My dad has been working from home which he has been loving, and his joy brings me joy. This showed me that I don’t just value my family, I value their happiness. Maybe I just needed it to be brought to my attention? It’s not at all lost on me that this is a hard time for many people in the world.. but the one thing that made my life at home so hard in the past, is at peace.. so I’m thankful.

Heavenly Father, I wondered before.. the “why” behind this pandemic, and I really wasn’t expecting an answer to that because I was sure it was beyond my ability to comprehend anyways. However, I feel like I’m seeing a glimpse of You through this. People in my surrounding community are growing so much more thankful for the everyday things we never even thought to really enjoy. We’re gaining more awareness in how to be intentional in connecting with one another. We’re truly appreciating the little things that we’re unable to do right now… You’ve temporarily taken away some of the things we love and value, maybe to prompt us to come back to loving You first. I pray that You become our priority in this time. Thank You for making us in Your image, and would You help us to learn to love what You love, and to hate what You hate. Reveal to us the idols of our heart and guide us to grow more Christ-like in our values. Would we all continue to trust in your sovereignty and I ask for your grace to be poured out a little extra on those who are really suffering through this time… In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

I didn’t know what my feelings were because it all felt surreal. I didn’t feel panicked, but wondered about the people who have the virus, or whose loved ones have the virus. I didn’t feel too much fear because of my overall health, but wondered about those with weaker immune systems. I didn’t feel too much financial anxiety because of the security of my job, but what about those who aren’t able to work or get paid during this time?

Once the governor announced the closure of VA schools for the remainder of the year, I was able to identify what I felt. I feel regretful that I won’t be seeing my students or my coworkers in person anymore, and that I didn’t do more for them when I was able to see them. I feel upset that this was the most chaotic, first-year-of-teaching experience anyone could possibly have. I feel such a deep sadness thinking about how this is affecting everyone – the people who are sick/dying, all the people and families out of work, small businesses that are failing, the seniors in high school/college who don’t get the end-of-the-year fun and recognition they worked so hard for, the families who are facing an uphill climb for who knows how long…

One of my very initial questions soon after the pandemic hit the US was, “What might God be trying to do with this?” Still I wonder, what is His purpose in all of this? And I don’t ask this question desperate for a response, because I know some things aren’t meant for my knowledge and I would assume this is one of those things. So I guess my next question would be, how am I supposed to be responding? What more can I do besides washing my hands, staying home, and praying? I don’t know. All I know is that this year is off to a rocky, rocky start… and it really goes to show me how much is out of my hands.

God, firstly I want to praise You for being a loving God who is all powerful and all controlling. During this confusing and anxiety-ridden season across the world, would you remind us of Your sovereignty and of Your goodness. Please comfort those who are living in fear of their lives, and be a source of light to anyone who is living in darkness because of this pandemic. Through this time of uncertainty, would you call us to live in a way that is ultimately glorifying to you – selfless, and loving to our neighbors to the best of our abilities. Though we may not know Your exact purpose through this, would we continue to trust in You, knowing that you love us and care for us. Draw us closer to you and help us to stand firmly rooted in our faith during this chaotic time. In your Son’s holy name we pray – Amen.

How and why you love me so deeply and contra-conditionally, I will never understand.. but I thank you. I yearn to be closer to You, and to live a life that is fully devoted to You. Thank you for your never ending forgiveness that I have yet to stop abusing, and thank you for being a glorious God who shows us what it means to love and to be loved.

Everything that has happened in my life leading up to this very second, has been a part of your gracious and perfect plan for me, and not only did you create me in your image, but you’ve shaped me as your child. I pray that I grow to appreciate the kind of person that I am, even through this journey of sanctification. You’ve given me eyes to see my sinful nature, but would I also be able to see my beauty.

My heart has been hardened towards many things lately; it has been incredibly difficult to genuinely love all the people around me and myself, to serve the church with a full heart, and even to come before you in prayer. Would you please soften my heart.. work in me through the Holy Spirit so that I may be a respectful daughter, a forgiving friend, a compassionate teacher, and a gracious servant of you, God. Thank you for all that You do. I pray all of this is Jesus’ name. Amen.

It has been a trying season (to say the least) since Kyler and I broke up. The first week was immense sadness, the second week was more anger, the third week it started to feel like everything was going to be fine? Then the following week was a deep, deep sadness once again. Here I am around the fifth week and it still feels surreal. How have I been coping? I have no idea. It’s worse when I’m alone, but I don’t have the desire or the energy to be around other people. I’ve been wanting to dedicate myself to some self-care methods (journaling, going to the gym, maybe even therapy/counseling), but no desire seems to be stronger than just wanting to lay in bed and do nothing.

I feel so much negative energy around me all the time. I assume the worst in people and in situations. I judge anyone who does something I don’t agree with. I question my self-worth and my character. I don’t feel like myself right now (nor do I like myself very much).

I seem to have forgotten the weight of prayer, which makes me really sad. It’s time I intentionally choose to reconnect with myself, and with God (even if I really don’t feel like it).

God, I feel so far away from You. Yet in my heart, I know You are near. Would you continue to draw me closer and closer, back to You. I praise you for being a gracious and a sovereign God. I’m not sure why it’s been so difficult for me to come to you during this time.. but I’m sorry. I know you are my Father who loves me so deeply, and you are my greatest Comforter. I pray that you would pull me through this season of depressive feelings and habits. Would you help me to see the bigger picture, and remind me that there is purpose in everything that happens in our lives – for the greater good. Grant me peace and understanding.. In Your Son’s loving and holy name, I pray. Amen.