Spiritually, Journey Group has been so good for my soul. As overwhelming as it can be (still).. I’m so thankful for everyone in my group and even for our weekly meetings. Monday nights have never come around so fast haha but it has been such a blessing to pray, share, and delve into the Word with these sisters. I feel like God is meeting me in all these places, not just in my relationships with people, but between me and Him, and in my alone time. Even when I think it’s my alone time simply for myself, He is with me and draws me near. As I learn more and more about God’s glory, His kingdom, His grace, and overall just the overwhelming love He has for His people.. I can’t help but be moved to my core. I know that doesn’t mean I will suddenly be able to live a perfect life – but to feel this sense of broken-heartedness for the unreached, and to feel this burden to share the gospel to the people around me.. I’m so thankful for it all.

God, you deserve all the praise. Would every nation cry out to You and for You… I pray that you continue to work in my life and change my heart so that I am living for you, Lord. I want nothing else but to live for You. Would you use me wherever I am, to speak truth and be an extension of your great love and wisdom. Father, help me to be compassionate and patient in times of anger and selfishness. Forgive me for being so attached to this world and what it has to offer me.. for being a slave to sin and having idols other than You. Thank you God, for loving me anyways.

As summer break comes to a close, I wanted to take some time to reflect on it as a whole. It was probably one of my favorites, if not my favorite so far! It felt like a lot of time.. but it flew by so fast. With a beach trip, Seattle, Indonesia, and all the time spent with friends and family.. my heart is so full! I remember having some goals for the summer in the beginning.. I probably should have written them down. I remember one of them had to do with getting physically fit.. I know I wanted to read a lot.. and learn to balance my finances better. I accomplished none of them! No surprise! Maybe next year LOL.

Goodbye summer 2019 – you were one for the books!

Wow, God.. I’m in awe of how much you’ve blessed me these last few months. Thank you for the best memories, the hardships, the safe travels, the emotions, the growths, the failures, and all the relationships you’ve curated.. thank you for the amazing grace you’ve shown me. I deserve none of it.. truly. As this next semester begins, would my heart for you continue to grow and stir with passion amidst my busy schedule. I pray for the discipline to make time to spend with you through books, reflection, and prayer on a regular basis. I already know you have great, great things in store for me so would I trust you and follow you faithfully.

"My whole life I place in Your hands
God of Mercy, humbled I bow down
in Your presence, at Your throne"

It was a long and introspective Sunday yesterday. Spending time with extended family (or really just my family in general) gets me feeling some type of way. I feel like the odd one out within my family.. and I don’t think anyone really knows who I am. So strange – being amongst the people I’ve spent my entire life with, and feeling like they don’t know the real me. I could probably go on forever about my relationship with the individual people in my family, but the common thread would be that there are issues and it is.. incredibly difficult for me to love on them.

I fear that I’ll end up anything like my parents. So yesterday I was overwhelmed because I felt like my eyes were suddenly opened to all of these characteristics I have that I probably got from my parents. Characteristics I can’t stand to see in them, but those same traits I reflect onto my friends. I couldn’t sleep because I was so sad.

This change of heart and process of sanctification is something I thought I’ve been experiencing already, and maybe I have been. However, I’m also realizing how stubborn and prideful I have been in this process. I’ve been selfishly asking God for a change of heart for the people that I care about and for the things that benefit me, rather than praying for a servant heart. I am no where near the kind of person I want to be.. but I need to be reminded of what the ultimate goal of being like Christ is.. to serve His kingdom, not myself.

God, I continue to forsake you.. and you continue to call me back to you. Thank you for being a God of mercy, a God of grace, and a God of truth. Truly nothing in this world compares to the grace you show me every moment of every day. Would you continue to show me that grace through these moments of hard truths and humbling realizations of just how broken and depraved I am. Would you mold me and my heart so that I can be a faithful follower of Christ as I live this life full of temptations and selfish motives. Please be with me at home, with my family.. I love you and praise you, forevermore. Amen.

Oops, it’s been way too long again haha. I’ve been meaning to write this personal debrief of my missions trip earlier this week, but I’ve been putting it off because thinking about everything that happened (even though it was less than 10 days) seems to feel so overwhelming.

Excluding all the travel time and time zone changes, we were only with the Heritage Home children + Lisda for 7 days. SO SHORT, RIGHT?! It flew by and I couldn’t help but think almost every day that 7 days is not enough. I guess no time would ever really be enough.. It took about two to three days for the girls to open up from being shy, even with returning members. Then just as we begin to get close, it’s time to say goodbye.

To be honest, I think I’m still processing. I’m sitting here writing this and all I can really say is that I miss them.. that’s mostly what I think about when I look back at the trip. It was a wonderful experience going back.. and I loved our team. I was really unsure if I’d have the opportunity and I am so thankful that I was able to go. I was telling Min and Michelle one night that it’s really hard to use words to describe and accurately depict what the children are like. I feel like you have to meet them to really understand.. and so I find myself wishing that they could all come to America so everyone around me could meet them haha.

The theme of the week for VBS was that God is good. In unfairness, in fear, in sadness, in change, and even in goodness, God is always so good. How fitting that theme was.. I felt that it was unfair that we could only be there for a week; I felt incredible sadness having to leave, but also so much joy in knowing God’s presence in the relationships we have with the children there.. and through all the ups and downs, one thing remains forever constant and that is the goodness of the Lord.

God, you really are so good. Thank you for your loving kindness and your immense grace upon your people. Thank you for opening my eyes to see that there really is no one who goes unnoticed by you. You have brought your people to gather in a church that is located in an area predominantly Muslim and you’ve softened their hearts to worship you so joyfully and passionately, and with much gratitude. Would you continue to have your hand over Batam and over Heritage Home. Would you please provide Lisda with an unending amount of strength and encouragement, and help her to find a community to walk with her. Would you be with Heritage Home as they take in more girls.. help them to transition smoothly and guide them into your loving arms if they are lost. Thank you for this opportunity you gave me to serve your kingdom and draw nearer to you. Amen.

How can I be capable of resembling a Christ-like love to others? How can I encourage others to love in that way as well?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Lord, let my heart be one that is filled with kindness and an abundance of love. Let my heart be one that is patient through times of frustration and in times where I feel like I have been wronged. May your light shine through me so that I’m able to love my neighbors as a reflection of how I am loved by You. Give me the strength to love people even when I don’t feel loved by them. Help me to love my friends and anyone I encounter in knowing that we were all created in Your image. Lastly, I ask for the ability to humbly love myself through believing that I was wonderfully made. Thank you for loving me so deeply.

“May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant.”

Psalm 119:76

God, through my trials I feel a creeping numbness to the magnitude of Your loving-kindness. I sense a feeling of complacency in knowing that You’re here for me at all times. Would you place in me a desire to be active in my growing in You.. I’m so thankful that You comfort me through my trials and that Your ultimate sacrifice makes the struggles in my life seem so insignificant. Thank you for encouraging peace in my heart through the works of the Holy Spirit and through all the people you’ve so intentionally placed in my life. You are my truly my comfort and You are so faithful. Thank you.

It’s been a while LOL. Since I had my Spring Break pt. 2, I haven’t been sleeping/waking up early which means I haven’t been making time for devotionals or even any alone time for myself. My mind has been very busy lately, thinking about applying for long-term substitute jobs for the fall and looking for full-time teaching positions for the spring, finishing up final papers/projects, studying for finals, and still trying to make time to love on my friends and family. It’s safe to say I have been prioritizing all wrong.

Why is it so easy to prioritize my comfort and my happiness over living my life devoted to God? ..Especially when I know a glimpse of the magnitude of His steadfast love for me? How can He love such a disobedient and sinful servant as me?

“The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

Thank you, Father for your mercies over me. Thank you for calling me back to You when I forget the purpose of the path that I’m walking. Thank you for your steadfast love even when I’m hiding in shame for living such a selfish life. Thank you, that even in my darkest moments of loneliness, for reminding me that You are near. Thank you for speaking truth into me through the people You have so purposefully placed into my life. I love You. Amen.

I’ve been feeling a little extra broken lately in the sense that I feel like I’m running away from my problems… in my academics, in my friendships/relationships, at home.. and I have no idea why. I feel it in my heart that I want to actively be working on all of these things, but I guess I don’t want it enough to commit enough time to work on them. All I’ve been doing lately is cleaning, watching shows, devotionals, and doing other things that focus on me, myself, and I. And to be honest, it has been really nice… but it’s starting to feel selfish.

“‘Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.'”

Matthew 18:19-20

Heavenly Father, thank you for the people you have surrounded me with. Thank you for meeting us in times and in places when I expect it the least and reminding me to center my conversations around you even though it calls for uncomfortable situations sometimes. Would you continuously work in me, my family, my friends, and my church community so that we are filled with the Holy Spirit and always longing for a life lived fully for you. Would you please mend my brokenness.. in myself and in my relationships with people. I’m still struggling to regularly devote my time to reading your Word, even when I’m so aware of how much I need it. Please give me the strength and the heart to face my problems head on rather than turning away from them.

It’ll forever be such an unbelievable blessing to know that Christ died on the cross to save us from our sins. Honestly, how can I live my life so mindlessly while knowing that? How is every day not dedicated to living for the almighty God who sent His only Son to death so that there could be a way for us to be with Him? I don’t have an answer.. because I know that’s not the way it should be. I’m reminded deeply today of just how significant Christ’s crucifixion is.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions;
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
    and with his wounds we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:5

Father.. I sit here with no words to thank you enough. Thank you for sending your only Son to come down, and live the perfect life only to be crucified on the cross for our sins.. Thank you for saving me. Would you help me to live a life that is genuinely understanding and reflecting of this amazing grace you have shown me… Thank you for finding a way for us undeserving, broken sinners to sit with you at the table. May I be reminded of and moved by Christ’s death forevermore, so that I live for you, always. Amen.

My relationship with Kyler has been a little bumpier than usual lately. I’ve decided to share about our struggles as well because never do we want people to think our relationship is perfect, and part of my journey to being more vulnerable includes being able to be open about our relationship struggles (sorry Kyler).

We usually argue over the same things – and usually because I’m the one to get upset at him… which is hard for me, but is also hard for Kyler. We had an argument recently in which we noticed we weren’t communicating how we should have been. His patience was short (and though rightfully so, it was very unlike him) and I was saying things out of emotion.

We realized, it’s not always about asking each other to change and better certain qualities about ourselves… and rather, we are not rooted in Christ enough. Individually and as a couple, we do not pour nearly enough of ourselves into our relationships with God. Any other solution is temporary. We are too flawed and too weak to fix anything on our own.

Loving Father, thank you for Kyler – for who he is and for how he loves me. Thank you for bringing us back to you again and again. May you continue to work in us, reminding us that Your ways are higher than ours… Help us to seek you in times of hardships and give us the strength to show a greater amount of grace to each other. Would you guide us to have a relationship centered around loving and glorifying You rather than ourselves.