“But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.”

Psalm 86:15

I praise you and thank you God for your relentless and unwavering love for Your people. Though it’s incredibly hard for me to love others in nearly the same way, it just serves as another reminder that nothing and no one of this broken world compares to You. Forgive me for my lack of faithfulness to you.. and for my fear and pride getting in the way of living a loving life. May you continue to use moments in my life to sanctify me and to teach me to reflect your character in being merciful and gracious, and slow to anger with the people you’ve surrounded me with. Thank you for being the gracious and faithful God that you are. Thank you. Amen.

Yesterday was “National Sibling Day” although to be honest, I feel like that comes around more than once a year.. same with “National Puppy Day” haha, or maybe time is just flying by. Anyways, I’d like to take the timely opportunity to share about my brother.

Some background: We both grew up Catholic but during his senior year of high school, he fell out of the faith causing a huge disruption in his relationship with my parents and eventually he became very bitter towards religion and God (not the idea of God, but God Himself). To this day, he has a pretty cynical perspective towards life and we tend to stay away from any topic regarding religious beliefs.

A few months ago, he shared with me and my parents that he was diagnosed with severe depression and borderline alcoholism. This broke me for multiple reasons. He would say stuff like “life is meaningless” and “I should just quit life” but because he always said it jokingly, I never took it seriously. Also, I knew he enjoyed drinking but I thought he drank because he enjoyed the taste (which I know he does), rather than using it as an escape. After finding this out, I tried so hard to spend time with him every weekend he came home – I tried to accommodate to him to the best of my abilities, and I treated him as if he was fragile.

His news bore a heavy weight on my shoulders because I interpreted it as something I have to change in order to help him, as if I have the power to do that. How selfish must I be to take his burden and make it about myself? I felt like I couldn’t open up to anybody because I didn’t want pity towards me or towards my brother. How prideful must I be to keep this to myself for that reason? God invited me to slowly open up to people about it, eventually making me realize that it is burden to be lifted up to Him.

Heavenly Father, forgive me that my initial reaction which lasted weeks, was to lay his burden upon my shoulders so that I could attempt using my own strength to help him. Thank You for helping me to see that my abilities are too limited and that I am too weak, while You are strong and all powerful. I lift my brother up to You, Lord. May you comfort him though he is so far from You. May you be his guiding light in the darkness though he is blind to you. May you soften his heart and open his eyes to the gospel so that he may be saved. I pray for opportunities to minister to him, and for boldness to speak truth to him even in times of discomfort and fear. Would You use me as an instrument to bring him closer to You… Amen.

“‘But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria and to the end of the earth.'”

Acts 1:8

Gracious God, come over me and fill me with the Holy Spirit, so that I may become all that You’ve intended for me to be. I pray for patience and self-control in waiting for Your power to be blessed upon me. Thank you for yet another beautiful day and for the peace you’ve given my heart. Amen.

Since I’ve been struggling with being overly emotional (as I mentioned in my first post), I decided to do a 30-day devotional called “Holy Emotions – Biblical Responses to Every Challenge” on my Bible App. So far it has encouraged me to be more in control of my emotions and how to connect/relate them with what God’s plan for me might be.

God calls me to be a light in the dark, to be someone who loves the unlovable, and to be hopeful when there is no reason for hope. However, because I am so broken and so worldly, I become so consumed in my emotions with my selfish perspective of life that I forget His purpose and rather, I live out my own. It comforts me to know that I was placed exactly where I am – in my family, in my circle of friends, in my church community – all for His purpose.

“Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

1 Peter 1:13

God, forgive me for forsaking you in all the times I am unable to control my emotions and I forget Your purposeful callings for me. Would you continue to reveal Yourself to me, Lord.. open my eyes to see and my heart to feel. Holy Spirit, come and fill my heart and every aspect of my life. Amen.

This past semester has been unexpectedly busy and although very enjoyable, there has been a change in my heart that I can’t quite express in words. Starting a few weeks ago, I’ve become more emotional than I usually am and I’m thinking maybe it’s because I haven’t had a lot of time to meet up with people, leading me to think too much on my own. So this blog will most likely be a mix of brain dumps as well as thought-out dumps. I made this blog as an outlet to share my joys and my struggles… to think through them out loud, be thankful for them out loud, and pray about them out loud. I am reminded time and time again that without Christ, I am nothing.

Lately, my greatest joy comes from the community God has placed me in. He meets me in places and times so unexpectedly, yet so purposefully. I’m surrounded by people whom I love and who love me. That leads me to one of my (many and) greater struggles – loneliness. Ironic, I know haha. It’s weird to think that even when I know I have a community of people I can turn to, it’s easy for me to feel like I don’t have anyone and the only explanation is that only Christ can fill that void in my heart. My biggest struggle spiritually, is reading the Word consistently and turning to the Word as a source of comfort, especially when I am emotional. So I’m also hoping this blog will serve as a source of accountability with any readers and as a source of encouragement.

I pray for my family and my friends, and I’m able to share that sometimes I feel hopeless about them coming to Christ. How can my merely human mind imagine something that feels so impossible?.. but I was reminded this past weekend through a sister, that not only is He an amazing and faithful God – He is a God of the impossible. For that, I am thankful.

All of these things are thoughts that I wake up to and tend to have a hard time expressing to other people and often even to myself. I pray that I could be someone who is vulnerable, thankful, and prayerful. God, you have placed in me a desire to devote all I am to you – to live my days glorifying You and praising Your name. You are my whole heart… Thank you, Jesus.